We fell in love in San Francisco at the beginning of November twelve years ago. He then joined me in Los Angeles, where I was assisting my late friend and teacher, Maty Ezraty, at a yoga teacher training. 

The magic of our connection and the awe we both felt for it have kept us glued to one another. We spend many hours lovemaking, but you could also find us cuddled in the streets of Venice Beach, in the long lines for coffee on the weekends, or in Café Gratitude, where we had most of our meals. 

Sometimes we would stop to appreciate the contrast of a dark cloud against the bright, sunny sky, or the stars visible on the windy beach at night. The world had never seemed so beautiful, the food had never tasted so sweet, and we had never been so elated. 

As the days passed, we started dreading our upcoming separation, as he was about to take his trip to meet his parents and three sisters in Texas for Thanksgiving. A few days before his trip, though, he asked me to join him.

We had known each other for three weeks at that time; one of them I spent in a meditation retreat, so you can appreciate the madness of this offer. But I couldn’t imagine spending almost a week apart from him, and I was dying to meet his family, so I said yes. 

Even though my husband and I came from very different backgrounds, his family was warm and welcoming, and I felt right at home. We had a lovely dinner together in the spacious dining room overlooking the Guadalupe River, and I felt I had made a good impression.

The next morning, however, the family wanted to play a card game. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I don’t feel confident playing tabletop games, especially ones I’m unfamiliar with, with people I don’t know well. Maybe it’s because we never played tabletop games as a family in my childhood. 

Whenever I am asked to play a game, I feel a sense of timidity. This was probably the worst situation to be exposed for my flaws and fears, and I was much more nervous than I wanted anyone to see. 

The game included some English terms that I wasn’t familiar with. I did my best to go through the dread of it with a smile and not to seem like a total loser. The family appreciated my being a good sport, and since I made a great impression in all other areas, the game did not detract from their appreciation. 

This incident forced me to confront an aspect of myself that I had long disliked, and I still do. I hate that I get so embarrassed and timid when it comes to playing games. I wish I were more carefree and fun-loving. Why do I care so much about impressing and feel so nervous about getting it wrong? Why can’t I just enjoy a game or be more confident playing? 

I think about this story whenever someone tells me that they need to love themselves before entering a relationship, which happens quite often. 

Why should self-love not be a prerequisite for entering a relationship?

1. You’ll Never Reach Complete Self-Love

It always makes me laugh. What does it mean to love yourself first? There is really no such thing. There will always be aspects of ourselves that we wouldn’t like, just like me and my fear of games. 

Unlike what is so commonly said in the spiritual world, self-love shouldn’t be a prerequisite for entering a relationship. If you wait to reach complete self-love before finding true love, you’ll always be alone, because there will never be a point in time when you’ll love everything about yourself; there just won’t. 

2. There’s No Better Self-Love Booster Than True Love

In addition to the physical benefits of a loving relationship, which help calm our nervous system and produce feel-good hormones that contribute to feelings of self-love, a loving relationship reinforces the idea that we are lovable. 

A healthy relationship is entered between two flawed people who learn to cultivate self-love through the eyes of their loving partners. 

When there is someone there who truly loves you, in spite of all your flaws, you can see that what you thought was such a big deal really isn’t, and that your other wonderful qualities are worth so much more than your flaws. 

3. You Are Worthy of Love Exactly as You Are

When you condition romantic love on loving yourself first, you basically say that you are not worthy of love as you are right now, which, by definition, isn’t true. I can assure you that you are worthy of love, because love is the most basic, primal need we all share. 

We’ve just entered Libra season, the season of love and relationships. If you have been postponing true love until you find self-love, please stop. Love is for you, right now, as you are. 

Have a wonderful week,

With love,

Yael