Since I can remember myself, my father used to say he would die young. Because I inherited many traits of my father’s psychology, I adopted this worldview, believing that I, too, would die young. 

But unlike my father, who ate the healthiest diet and exercised regularly to prevent his wrong prediction, I took the other path – if I was going to die young anyway, at least I was going to have fun until I did, and not care about what I ate. 

Up until my early thirties, my nutrition reflected a death wish that I was entirely unaware of. You could say it was the destructive force Freud called Thanatos that manifested not only through my nutrition but also in my relationship choices, substance use, and emotional repression. 

My destructive way of living led me, eventually, to depression.  

While dealing with my depression, a weak, yet steady voice inside of me asked me to get sober and not take any anti-depression medications, so that I could see things clearly and experience life at face value.

Next, I adopted a vigorous yoga practice that strengthened my body and helped me develop physical, mental, and emotional resilience. Being sober was tough, but my body was now more capable of dealing with this hardship.  

And just when I started feeling better and made some good decisions that significantly improved my life, like leaving the tech world and becoming a yoga teacher, my death wish surfaced with all its might. 

Every night before I went to bed, I found myself contemplating ending my life. Everything seemed pointless at that time. Even though I was very fulfilled as a yoga teacher, I was heartbroken and lonely. I did not have real friends or family. I poured myself into my work and abusive relationships that depleted me. 

I wanted to go back to being a soul, with no human body and no emotional pain. 

Saying it was scary would be an understatement. Up until then, I’d never realized there was such a strong part of me that wanted to die. This was the first time I could look it in the eyes and admit its existence within me. 

And just then, something miraculous happened. The weak voice that started awakening in me grew louder. It was my life drive, maybe the one Freud called Eros, that had been buried deep down inside of me.

It told me, “If you intend to end your life anyway, why wouldn’t you enjoy yourself until you do? Leave everything behind and go travel in India.” This thought brought a smile to my face. I realized that I could do it. I could choose the life I truly wanted. If I were going to die, I really had nothing to lose.

This was the pivotal point that initiated my ascent. I choose life wholeheartedly, and life has started smiling at me in return.

***

We all have a memory of being a soul – a clean, pure consciousness, floating, weightless, in the land of the souls. 

When he was about six years old, my son told us that he came from a place with no molecules, where people had no names. 

There is something in us that misses this form of being – no molecules, no name, no physical body, no emotional or physical pain. It’s not easy to be a human being. 

This is precisely why Cancer season is here: to help us deal with this hardship. 

Every time we are thrown into a new womb and are bound to our molecular form of flesh and blood, we have to start all over again. 

Not only do we need to learn again how to walk and talk, but we also need to learn how to be in a human body and deal with human emotions. But unlike the first two tasks, which have distinguished benchmarks and accomplishment, the quest of learning to be in a human body, with human emotions, is lifelong.

Our death wish is not inherently bad. We can look at it for what it is, a longing to return to the land of the souls. But we also have to make sure that we choose life actively and wholeheartedly, every moment of our lives, with every decision we make – from what we put into our mouths to who we choose to spend our lives with.  

Choosing life means taking ownership of our lives and living life with intention and direction. It means asking yourself every day, “If I die tomorrow, what will I regret not doing most?” and then taking action to do just that. This is the only way to soothe the hardship of the human condition and make it worthwhile. 

This week, ask yourself – what actions and decisions in my life reflect my honest desire to live my best life wholeheartedly, and which do not. What can I change to choose life even more? Can I commit to making one change this week? 

You can also ask yourself – If I die tomorrow, what would I regret not doing most? And then, do it. 

I’d love to hear what you plan to change or do with this post’s inspiration. 

Have a wonderful week,

With love,

Yael